Apr 292012
 

What is this, a Sunday blog? It wasn’t supposed to be this way!

I’m not going to dwell on it, though, just gotta keep posting when I can.

I haven’t learned much, mostly because it takes half the class twice as long to keep up, but I’m getting through it. It can get a little aggravating, or more often boring.

Writing these posts should really be a morning thing, I’m just out of it at the end of the day. I can’t believe I used to do all of my writing overnight. I can’t even imagine staying up all night anymore. It’s sad, in a way.

I sometimes get these panic moments where I wonder if I should be doing this job in general. What’s that line from Fight Club? “Advertising has us chasing cars and clothes, working jobs we hate so we can buy shit we don’t need.” Not that I should really be listening that hard to Tyler Durden.

I get the sense that this kind of job would be a lot more bearable, more acceptable, if I had a family of my own, that is that I somehow joined or created without the family that came before me. I notice all these other people I work with, they have children, husbands or wives, boyfriends or girlfriends. I see these people and I try to figure out how I fit in, if I do at all. It’s a struggle.

Finding the motivation for living is a tricky thing, and I’m trying. I can’t get over this sense of dread that I’ll never really figure it out, though. I keep going, but why? I don’t know.

I try to picture myself in these scenarios with other people, but it always looks fake and unnatural. I always feel like I shouldn’t be so lonely, but when I think about it I almost have to consider myself lucky that I am. Imagine how fucked up my life would be if I actually had to care about other people. Could I even do it? How long before I get totally bored and have to pretend I’m interested in this other person? I see that all the time too, so I can’t really feel that bad about myself.

Then again, it’s only after you’ve lost everything that you’re free to do anything.

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