Tag Archives: Blog

Seriously, should I get a haircut or not?

Three Pannel Soul
Have people always had these feelings or are they products of our time?

Image above taken from Three Panel Soul.

Funny thing happened last weekend. It was a three day weekend, I had fun times, and even got a little creative work done. It seemed like a good balance of time spent for work and pleasure. And most interestingly, I didn’t think about my job once.

The trouble with that is, it made going back to work even worse. I remembered for one weekend what it was like to not have one of these shitty day jobs. I’m a few weeks from making it out of my probationary period and already I’m thinking about quitting. Of course, I can’t quit now. I just got a job three blocks from home.

That’s what I don’t understand, though. I’m doing the same job, around the corner from my house, yet I feel just about as tired as I felt when I was working in San Mateo.

It’s still a positive, this transfer to El Cerrito, I suppose. I’m certainly using less gasoline, spending less money. So why don’t I notice the two-to-four extra hours I’m not spending in rush hour traffic? Part of it is probably the overtime I have to take in this office, but that can’t account for all of it.

Maybe it’s because, while driving in those conditions was hellish, it was still me getting out in the world. I got to see the city every day, and usually the sunrise/sunset. I got to listen to music or podcasts for a good hour+ everyday. Now what do I do? Leisurely walk home and watch TV? Even with the best TV, that’s no good.

Tangentially, I could stand to do something to improve my health. I thought about trying swimming, but I tried that before. I tried ‘running,’ but a few shin splints here, a little sickness there, and how easy it becomes to abandon a routine.

How am I supposed to ever improve my health if the first steps cause crippling pain? The only way I can see it happening is if someone else pushes me, and at over 300 pounds, that’s hard to do. I know I’m not up to the task.

Oh, P.S.
I subscribed to this service called MoviePass, and I’ve had it a few weeks now, but I haven’t used it yet!

Part of the problem is, Fuck You, It’s January. But part of it is, simply, I’m either too tired or too depressed to find the motivation to do anything. At least by myself…

A theme is emerging in all the things I’ve been writing about here. A non-committal to anything. I can’t commit to my job, can’t commit to my health, can’t even commit to a place to go for lunch. I feel frozen in this zone of non- motivation. Running on autopilot, or on fumes.

I need to figure these problems out…

Sunday whatevers

Isabel's party at Sura
Bit wobbly in the middle
I’m pretty disappointed with myself right now.

I had an ideal day, according to Peter Gibbons from Office Space. I did nothing, and it was everything he would have hoped for. On top of this, the 49ers won, I had ice cream for dinner, and booze in my coke. I watched decent TV programs. I was not uncomfortable. I barely opened my mouth. Nothing important happened.

I hate that I’m content to do nothing all day, but not enough to get up and put clothes on. I fear that I would rather have a day like today than a day like yesterday.

Yesterday I had a small production meeting, wrote some emails, planned for the future, spent time with my family, went to a friends birthday party, had strangers (or at least strange people) in my car, ate exotic (for me) foods, stayed out past my bedtime, and played a multiplayer game with actual people.

Which day did I enjoy more? If I remove the day job from my point of view, how would I want to spend my time? I’m having a hard time deciding. Loneliness can be depressing, but is a little depression enough of a punishment to make me want to change? Is the chance for fun, companionship, and better (physical and mental) health enough of a carrot to get me out my front door?

The answer is, sadly, no.

Intellectually, I know I should be trying to have more days like yesterday. In my mind I know those days are more important. It’s good to seize the day, be creative, make friends. So I feel very guilty after a day like today makes me feel good inside. I don’t have the passion for nihilism that Peter Gibbons has, so I can’t really enjoy myself, but then I don’t have passion for much of anything anymore, so what’s the alternative?

I’d like to know more people but I don’t like people enough to get to know them.

I wish I could figure this out. I wish I could hit my head and have one of those lucky, prosperous brain injuries that would cure me of my inhibitions. I sure seem to beating myself up enough to cause a metaphorical concussion, and not of the brain-fixing kind. I suspect that has more to do with it than anything. It’s a depression. The biggest hindrance to myself is myself. Man, I wish I could kill that guy.

Sunday #19

What happened to 18?

18 died, that’s what.

From the VB:

I think being an adult means you gotta give up on your dreams.

I see it all the time in these adults, who used to want to do something, but now they’ve been working at some job that sucks for 30 years.

If you can avoid doing that, you can be a kid forever, and that’s probably a more fun way to live.

Sunday #17

I suppose I shouldn’t complain about being busy.

but I’m frickin’ busy all the time!

Seems like I have a lot to do, and am doing a lot, that’s all I’m saying.

It’s not all bad. Yesterday was kind of a kick in the pants, as we’re now about exactly one month away from this year’s 4th of July worldOne festival. By this time last year, I already had a good draft, if not a finished draft, of that year’s festival promo.

That thing was a piece of work. Mostly because of revisions from interested parties. It is what it is, though. I think it turned out pretty good.

But anyway, this year, I’ve been working. I haven’t had time to do my usual thing, and I haven’t even had time to realize that I’m already this late on it! No matter though, I’m not the only one. I should hopefully have something to post soon.

Oh by the way, just ’cause I’m lagging does not mean that the festival wont be excellent as always. Come check it out. More info at www.worldOneradio.org

Despite the million things I still have to do, I did get to have some fun yesterday. After the worldOne volunteer meeting, I made it to San Francisco to watch Moonrise Kingdom with my parents, and two of their friends. Now there’s another movie I need to review…But in short it was wonderful. Just the movie I wanted to see. If anyone wants to go, I’ll gladly watch it again when it opens wider in the coming weeks.

After the movie, I was surprised to learn that my dad had never been to Japantown in his life. I find it hard to believe that he’s never been to Japantown in the 40 years he’s lived here. Well anyway, he got to experience a small taste of it.

As we crossed the bridge in Japantown from one building to the other, it smelled of cleaning products. My dad’s friend Al, who came with us, pointed out that “you don’t want to eat anywhere you can smell cleaning products.” He said this right as we passed one of my least favorite restaurants in the world. A place called “On The Bridge.” Sure, they look friendly with their little diner on the bridge over Webster street, and it’s inviting to otaku with the wall scrolls and anime, but the food is fucking disgusting.

Egg on curry
What the fuck is this shit

Even if that tastes amazing, I would never be able to get past the sloppy mess that exists on that plate. I’ve noticed a lot of Asian food is like that. Just throw a mess of shit in a bowl, boil it, and shovel it in your mouth making as much noise as you can. Not what I consider appetizing.

It’s like they just love to take something that’s good and ruin it by piling shit on it.

Anyways, after eating SOMEWHERE ELSE, we went to Great American Music Hall for Ernest Ranglin‘s 80th birthday. I was not looking forward to this, I’m not too fond of the venue. The chairs are uncomfortable, the food is over priced, and the sight lines are terrible. Somehow, we got a decent spot to watch the stage from, but nothing could be done about the chairs. I was highly entertained by the music, though, particularly the supporting band Vinyl. The jazz/funk/afrobeat/reggae/ska mix with very few lyrics was exactly the type of music I like. It’s just a shame the audience had to go and ruin it. People didn’t know when to stop talking. There was a lot of smoking as well.

But the good far outweighed the bad.

I probably had more to say, but it’s almost 1 and I gotta be up and at them in about 5 hours. So goodnight everybody.

Sunday #16

Whoops, almost forgot.

It’s still Sunday somewhere in the world.

Holiday tomorrow tripped me up.

I find myself doing more stuff this week. Helping Corey, helping Tom, reading, seeing movies. I may be taking my sweet time, but I feel like I still owe you reviews of all the movies I’ve seen, since Casa De Mi Padre, John Carter, that lame but witty space prison movie, The Avengers, MIB3, and maybe one or two others I can’t remember right now. There’s also new anime I’m watching, from the great (Kids on the Slope), to the guilty pleasure (Mysterious Girlfriend X). I still need to figure out just how to write about these things, and I feel like I will, I just don’t know when.

I’ve been really neglecting that manifesto. I have not been writing every day, I have not been making new radio shows, I have not been making videos. I’m not sure how I’m going to do it, but I need to figure out a way to raise my motivation while killing my procrastination. Need to figure out a way to cut out the time spent commuting. That might solve the problem, but then again, it might not.

Today was the Golden Gate Bridge’s 75th birthday. It had an interesting fireworks show. I wanted to try to head over that way and see it up close, but in the end I had to settle for the view from Richmond. It feels right to celebrate that symbol of anti-depression in the midst of a great recession. Maybe there can be new public works projects in the future that will be worth celebrating in another 75 years…

Anyway that’s all for now.

Sunday #15

I have to at least keep writing something, anything, once a week. I can’t give up.

“You have to give up.”

Perhaps that’s true…to really start over and do something incredible I would have to give everything up, hit bottom, start over. What’s that line? Only after disaster can we be resurrected? It’s only after we’ve lost everything that we’re free to do anything.

Well maybe I’m not quite ready to be resurrected. But I have to keep trying, at least once a week.

Work has become very exhausting, but maybe I just haven’t quite settled into it yet. I got the sense, last Friday, that I could get used to the job. I also start to feel like Randall from Clerks. “This job would be great if it weren’t for the fucking customers,” he said, and he was right. My mom has a similar job to mine, only she mostly works on stuff without customers. She’s not terribly good at it because she doesn’t type very fast, which is ironic. My mom would be great at working one customer at a time, like I have to do, and I’d probably be a lot better at her job, doing a big bundle of apps at once. We should switch.

I dunno though, this job wouldn’t be so bad if I didn’t have to drive 80 miles a day through rush hour traffic. Word is our governor, Jerry Brown, along with the legislature, are aiming to cut ~900 million from the state’s budget by closing state services one day a week. Hear that folks? You think the line is long now? Wait ’til they furlough again. Personally, I probably wouldn’t mind the change. I wouldn’t mind working an extra hour each day, getting an extra day off each week, driving 3 hours less in the process, but I’m already not making very much. With the furlough, I’ll be making, like, 15% less, I hear. That’s gonna suck. It already sucks…

I dunno, though. I’ll cross that bridge when I get there…

Since I haven’t been keeping up with my daily posts, what have I been neglecting to chime in on? I still have old reviews to write, maybe I can try to tie those reviews in with their home video release. We’ll see. We’re in the thick of a new anime season, and there are at least 2 shows I’m into. I still haven’t worked out how I’m going to write about them…but I should. If only as a learning experience for my self. I mean, why do I like these shows. Why do I like what I like? Why am I who I am?

That’s a post for another day though. Time to wrap this up…I gotta go to work tomorrow.

See you next week, if not sooner.

Sunday #14

Oh! Right. Sunday.

I need to figure out a way to wake up early enough to get back to writing regularly again. Since I’m writing this last minute when I should be asleep already, this probably won’t happen tomorrow.

It’s kind of interesting, in the same way a train wreck is interesting, how tiring this job I have can be. I mean it’s not physically difficult. I sit on a chair, look at papers, type on a computer…so why is it when I get home I’m so exhausted? I was less exhausted when I was running around all day doing god knows what.

Now that I’ve been at least partly trained, I’m handling regular customers. I find that people who have their shit together don’t usually come to the DMV (at least, not for vehicle registration, which is all they’ve trained me for). The people who have their shit together can handle all this through the mail. So the only customers I end up dealing with are the ones with complicated issues.

‘I haven’t paid my registration in 6 years. –What do you mean those fees are due?! The car isn’t even worth that much!’

‘This took six months to process, why am I still paying for a complete year’s registration?’

Of course, my first week back from training, I get all the transactions we weren’t trained for. Seems like half the time spent in class could have been spent teaching us how to handle these crazy situations. Screw this ‘by the book’ crap. Nothing gets solved when you go by the book.

I’m just saying, it would have been nice to go over some of these issues in the time we were making origami.

One particularly bad day, I was in the process of giving a customer a $2000 break (with supervision, of course, don’t come to my window and expect me to waive your fees automatically). So while we’re bending these rules for this guy, just to get him outta there, this woman in the waiting area starts yelling ‘my husband is having a heart attack.’ 911 gets called. ‘Why are you just staring? Help me!’ Wasn’t much we could do, paramedics on their way, go back to work as usual. I think the paramedics made it on time, they were able to help the guy, and I hope he’s alright, wherever he is…but that’s kind of a trip. A guy is over there dying 20 feet away and the only thing you can do is continue helping the customer at your window. ‘Now serving F057 at window #1’

Maybe this week will go better. But tomorrow won’t if I don’t go to sleep right now.

More, eventually.

Sunday #13

Lucky thirteen.

My first stretch of training completed, I will officially be put to work at the job I was hired for about 5 months ago.

And I no longer get to coast as though I don’t know what I’m doing.

I’ve neglected this blog for a couple extra hours of sleep these last few weeks, and I’m disappointed in myself. I suppose I knew this would happen eventually. My original plan of leaving early and working at the Starbucks has kind of fallen apart.

Just in general, driving to work is highly stressful and expensive. I must figure out an alternative. Conveniently, May is bike month. The only real way to get to my job from BART is by way of a 30 minute bike ride. I think this BART/bike solution is the most sound plan, because it costs less and provides me with a great opportunity for exercise. Consequently, it multiplies the commute time by at least 3. Also, I’ll be coming in to work, tired, sweaty, and probably hungry.

My 9 hour day will become a 12 hour day, I’ll have even less time to do ‘extra curriculars.’ I’ll always be tired. I’ll subject myself to terrible noise pollution. I’ll drive up the likeliness that I’ll be late.

I dunno, is all of that worth a couple hundred bucks a month?

Is this job even worth the salary I’m getting?

It’s very hard to say. I need help.

Sunday #12

What is this, a Sunday blog? It wasn’t supposed to be this way!

I’m not going to dwell on it, though, just gotta keep posting when I can.

I haven’t learned much, mostly because it takes half the class twice as long to keep up, but I’m getting through it. It can get a little aggravating, or more often boring.

Writing these posts should really be a morning thing, I’m just out of it at the end of the day. I can’t believe I used to do all of my writing overnight. I can’t even imagine staying up all night anymore. It’s sad, in a way.

I sometimes get these panic moments where I wonder if I should be doing this job in general. What’s that line from Fight Club? “Advertising has us chasing cars and clothes, working jobs we hate so we can buy shit we don’t need.” Not that I should really be listening that hard to Tyler Durden.

I get the sense that this kind of job would be a lot more bearable, more acceptable, if I had a family of my own, that is that I somehow joined or created without the family that came before me. I notice all these other people I work with, they have children, husbands or wives, boyfriends or girlfriends. I see these people and I try to figure out how I fit in, if I do at all. It’s a struggle.

Finding the motivation for living is a tricky thing, and I’m trying. I can’t get over this sense of dread that I’ll never really figure it out, though. I keep going, but why? I don’t know.

I try to picture myself in these scenarios with other people, but it always looks fake and unnatural. I always feel like I shouldn’t be so lonely, but when I think about it I almost have to consider myself lucky that I am. Imagine how fucked up my life would be if I actually had to care about other people. Could I even do it? How long before I get totally bored and have to pretend I’m interested in this other person? I see that all the time too, so I can’t really feel that bad about myself.

Then again, it’s only after you’ve lost everything that you’re free to do anything.

Sunday #11

Oh crap. It’s Sunday.

Gotta put something up…so tired. Sore. Achey. But I’ll be okay.

I’m out in Sacramento for my training. I’m not sure how it’s going to go, but I’ll try to make a report on anything interesting.

I’m sure there’s lots of things to do here in the state capitol. People tell me there’s lots of restaurants. There’s a minor league baseball team. There’s a historic train museum. I also have at least one friend near by.

Should be an eventful week. Can I keep up with this site at the same time? We’ll see.

Other things to note: still need to review 3 movies, new tv shows, and records. Last Saturday was record store day, and I splurged. That should come later though.

Anyways, hang tight everyone.