Video produced by EdSoftFilms for the worldOne festival.
Image above taken from Three Panel Soul.
Funny thing happened last weekend. It was a three day weekend, I had fun times, and even got a little creative work done. It seemed like a good balance of time spent for work and pleasure. And most interestingly, I didn’t think about my job once.
The trouble with that is, it made going back to work even worse. I remembered for one weekend what it was like to not have one of these shitty day jobs. I’m a few weeks from making it out of my probationary period and already I’m thinking about quitting. Of course, I can’t quit now. I just got a job three blocks from home.
That’s what I don’t understand, though. I’m doing the same job, around the corner from my house, yet I feel just about as tired as I felt when I was working in San Mateo.
It’s still a positive, this transfer to El Cerrito, I suppose. I’m certainly using less gasoline, spending less money. So why don’t I notice the two-to-four extra hours I’m not spending in rush hour traffic? Part of it is probably the overtime I have to take in this office, but that can’t account for all of it.
Maybe it’s because, while driving in those conditions was hellish, it was still me getting out in the world. I got to see the city every day, and usually the sunrise/sunset. I got to listen to music or podcasts for a good hour+ everyday. Now what do I do? Leisurely walk home and watch TV? Even with the best TV, that’s no good.
Tangentially, I could stand to do something to improve my health. I thought about trying swimming, but I tried that before. I tried ‘running,’ but a few shin splints here, a little sickness there, and how easy it becomes to abandon a routine.
How am I supposed to ever improve my health if the first steps cause crippling pain? The only way I can see it happening is if someone else pushes me, and at over 300 pounds, that’s hard to do. I know I’m not up to the task.
I subscribed to this service called MoviePass, and I’ve had it a few weeks now, but I haven’t used it yet!
Part of the problem is, Fuck You, It’s January. But part of it is, simply, I’m either too tired or too depressed to find the motivation to do anything. At least by myself…
A theme is emerging in all the things I’ve been writing about here. A non-committal to anything. I can’t commit to my job, can’t commit to my health, can’t even commit to a place to go for lunch. I feel frozen in this zone of non- motivation. Running on autopilot, or on fumes.
I need to figure these problems out…
I had an ideal day, according to Peter Gibbons from Office Space. I did nothing, and it was everything he would have hoped for. On top of this, the 49ers won, I had ice cream for dinner, and booze in my coke. I watched decent TV programs. I was not uncomfortable. I barely opened my mouth. Nothing important happened.
I hate that I’m content to do nothing all day, but not enough to get up and put clothes on. I fear that I would rather have a day like today than a day like yesterday.
Yesterday I had a small production meeting, wrote some emails, planned for the future, spent time with my family, went to a friends birthday party, had strangers (or at least strange people) in my car, ate exotic (for me) foods, stayed out past my bedtime, and played a multiplayer game with actual people.
Which day did I enjoy more? If I remove the day job from my point of view, how would I want to spend my time? I’m having a hard time deciding. Loneliness can be depressing, but is a little depression enough of a punishment to make me want to change? Is the chance for fun, companionship, and better (physical and mental) health enough of a carrot to get me out my front door?
The answer is, sadly, no.
Intellectually, I know I should be trying to have more days like yesterday. In my mind I know those days are more important. It’s good to seize the day, be creative, make friends. So I feel very guilty after a day like today makes me feel good inside. I don’t have the passion for nihilism that Peter Gibbons has, so I can’t really enjoy myself, but then I don’t have passion for much of anything anymore, so what’s the alternative?
I’d like to know more people but I don’t like people enough to get to know them.
I wish I could figure this out. I wish I could hit my head and have one of those lucky, prosperous brain injuries that would cure me of my inhibitions. I sure seem to beating myself up enough to cause a metaphorical concussion, and not of the brain-fixing kind. I suspect that has more to do with it than anything. It’s a depression. The biggest hindrance to myself is myself. Man, I wish I could kill that guy.
There was some kind of DNS problem on the 1st when I tried to come back. Seems like it’s fixed itself somehow.
So much for my dramatic return.
Anyway, it’s time for me to get back on the wagon (I’m not sure if that’s the right analogy, but whatever). First of all, let me go over what’s happened since I last updated regularly.
When I first started this blog, I had a pretty consistent daily update pattern. Sure, it wasn’t all gold (was any of it?), but at least I had something up there every day. That is, until April 2nd, when I went to an SF Giants/Oakland A’s exhibition game. I was working in San Mateo at the time, and waking up incredibly early, spending a lot of time on the road. Staying up for a night game in San Francisco was ultimately too much for my routine. I never recovered. To this day.
The game, I think, just made it clear how tiring it was working in San Mateo. It was a lot of time on the road. Grateful as I was for their giving me the opportunity, I had to get out of there.
And I did.
Before I move on from here, let me share some moments from my time working in San Mateo, documented with Instagram. Some recurring themes: bad food, office stuff, travel grievances, and cups. After the break, it’s photoblog time.
Well I’ve been away a while. Will I find the motivation to return?
Find out January 1st.
What happened to 18?
18 died, that’s what.
From the VB:
I think being an adult means you gotta give up on your dreams.
I see it all the time in these adults, who used to want to do something, but now they’ve been working at some job that sucks for 30 years.
If you can avoid doing that, you can be a kid forever, and that’s probably a more fun way to live.
I suppose I shouldn’t complain about being busy.
…but I’m frickin’ busy all the time!
Seems like I have a lot to do, and am doing a lot, that’s all I’m saying.
It’s not all bad. Yesterday was kind of a kick in the pants, as we’re now about exactly one month away from this year’s 4th of July worldOne festival. By this time last year, I already had a good draft, if not a finished draft, of that year’s festival promo.
That thing was a piece of work. Mostly because of revisions from interested parties. It is what it is, though. I think it turned out pretty good.
But anyway, this year, I’ve been working. I haven’t had time to do my usual thing, and I haven’t even had time to realize that I’m already this late on it! No matter though, I’m not the only one. I should hopefully have something to post soon.
Oh by the way, just ’cause I’m lagging does not mean that the festival wont be excellent as always. Come check it out. More info at www.worldOneradio.org
Despite the million things I still have to do, I did get to have some fun yesterday. After the worldOne volunteer meeting, I made it to San Francisco to watch Moonrise Kingdom with my parents, and two of their friends. Now there’s another movie I need to review…But in short it was wonderful. Just the movie I wanted to see. If anyone wants to go, I’ll gladly watch it again when it opens wider in the coming weeks.
After the movie, I was surprised to learn that my dad had never been to Japantown in his life. I find it hard to believe that he’s never been to Japantown in the 40 years he’s lived here. Well anyway, he got to experience a small taste of it.
As we crossed the bridge in Japantown from one building to the other, it smelled of cleaning products. My dad’s friend Al, who came with us, pointed out that “you don’t want to eat anywhere you can smell cleaning products.” He said this right as we passed one of my least favorite restaurants in the world. A place called “On The Bridge.” Sure, they look friendly with their little diner on the bridge over Webster street, and it’s inviting to otaku with the wall scrolls and anime, but the food is fucking disgusting.
Even if that tastes amazing, I would never be able to get past the sloppy mess that exists on that plate. I’ve noticed a lot of Asian food is like that. Just throw a mess of shit in a bowl, boil it, and shovel it in your mouth making as much noise as you can. Not what I consider appetizing.
It’s like they just love to take something that’s good and ruin it by piling shit on it.
Anyways, after eating SOMEWHERE ELSE, we went to Great American Music Hall for Ernest Ranglin‘s 80th birthday. I was not looking forward to this, I’m not too fond of the venue. The chairs are uncomfortable, the food is over priced, and the sight lines are terrible. Somehow, we got a decent spot to watch the stage from, but nothing could be done about the chairs. I was highly entertained by the music, though, particularly the supporting band Vinyl. The jazz/funk/afrobeat/reggae/ska mix with very few lyrics was exactly the type of music I like. It’s just a shame the audience had to go and ruin it. People didn’t know when to stop talking. There was a lot of smoking as well.
But the good far outweighed the bad.
I probably had more to say, but it’s almost 1 and I gotta be up and at them in about 5 hours. So goodnight everybody.
Whoops, almost forgot.
It’s still Sunday somewhere in the world.
Holiday tomorrow tripped me up.
I find myself doing more stuff this week. Helping Corey, helping Tom, reading, seeing movies. I may be taking my sweet time, but I feel like I still owe you reviews of all the movies I’ve seen, since Casa De Mi Padre, John Carter, that lame but witty space prison movie, The Avengers, MIB3, and maybe one or two others I can’t remember right now. There’s also new anime I’m watching, from the great (Kids on the Slope), to the guilty pleasure (Mysterious Girlfriend X). I still need to figure out just how to write about these things, and I feel like I will, I just don’t know when.
I’ve been really neglecting that manifesto. I have not been writing every day, I have not been making new radio shows, I have not been making videos. I’m not sure how I’m going to do it, but I need to figure out a way to raise my motivation while killing my procrastination. Need to figure out a way to cut out the time spent commuting. That might solve the problem, but then again, it might not.
Today was the Golden Gate Bridge’s 75th birthday. It had an interesting fireworks show. I wanted to try to head over that way and see it up close, but in the end I had to settle for the view from Richmond. It feels right to celebrate that symbol of anti-depression in the midst of a great recession. Maybe there can be new public works projects in the future that will be worth celebrating in another 75 years…
Anyway that’s all for now.